I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
