Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Life is so much better after having sex.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
