i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
