i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
