So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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