I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
