the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
