On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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