I just cut my nipple shaving
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
