Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
