I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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