There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
