Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he shaved USA in his pubs
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
