Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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