I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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