don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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