a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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