i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
