he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
