I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
