I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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