one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Never joke about your clitoris.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
