I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
