Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
