when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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