the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
