so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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