I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
