New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I need to calm my uterus...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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