At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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