Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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