I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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