Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
