Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
