is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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