I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Define "chronic" masturbator.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
