I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
