i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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