Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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