I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
