he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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