i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
