Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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