well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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