6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
