do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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