I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
