It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
