Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
