the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
